InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Tweak!"

Cissy Vallario (cissysaidso) wrote,
@ 2009-10-11 06:42:00

Wednesday - 1/30/08

Do you remember me now?

Did you get your memory back too?

Are you okay?

My head feels like someone slammed it in a car door, but I remember everything now. How about you?

Are you back to normal now or are you still creepy Godric?

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(Post a new comment)

	Email shy_vamp 2009-10-11 03:35 pm UTC (link)
	Cissy, I am so, so so sorry. That is a side of me I never wanted you to see. I'm so embarassed by my behaviour. I don't expect you will forgive me, or ever feel comfortable around me again, but I hope you're alright and I didn't harm you or Bump at all. Please have yourself checked in the infirmary. I cannot apologize enough. I am so sorry. Godric (Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: Email

cissysaidso
2009-10-11 06:56 pm UTC (link)

Ric,

I'm okay. And so is Bump. I'm just... sad now, that's all. I'm trying to decide which was worse. Not remembering the last five years and being terrified because of it, or remembering the last five years. It's kind of a hard question to answer.

On another note, did I taste good? I've never been bitten by a vampire before, just fed on by an incubus who always said I tasted very unique.

Cissy

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Email

shy_vamp
2009-10-11 10:02 pm UTC (link)

Cissy,

Thank goodness. I don't know what I'd do if I'd harmed you. I know how you must feel about your past, and thinking that maybe not knowing is better than having to remember all your mistakes. But you've learned from your mistakes, you are who you are because of them. And chances are if you erased them, you'd just make new ones, possibly worse ones. And think of all the people you would forget about.

Oh, come on, don't ask me that. I don't want to think about it any more then I absolutely have to.

Love,
Ric

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Email

cissysaidso
2009-10-11 10:53 pm UTC (link)

Ric,

You didn't harm me, just traumatized me a little. I'm pretty sure I cried on a few shoulders because of you. That's definitely going to make for a certain amount of awkwardness now. Thanks a lot for that, by the way. And maybe it would be better to forget some people. Or at least better for them if they forgot about me. That was pretty much the whole point of all of this, after all.

Humor me. You owe me that much at least.

Yours,
Cissy

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Email shy_vamp 2009-10-12 12:05 am UTC (link)
	Cissy, You're making me feel so terribly about this. Which is good, I should. I was disgraceful. But I hope you know I would never do that to you now. I know. I sort of stumbled into the heart of this problem. I'm still not sure what to make of it. Oh, that is such a cheap shot you brat. Fine. You taste like jalapeno peppermint. Love, Ric (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Email

cissysaidso
2009-10-12 12:09 am UTC (link)

Ric,

There's no way you could feel more terrible about it than I do. And I know you wouldn't. That doesn't make it any less weird though.

So then you know that this is probably all my fault, right? At least, I think it is. I mean, I got that email and then this happened and... I don't know anything for sure. Do you?

Jalapaneo peppermint? That sounds... odd.

Cissy

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Email shy_vamp 2009-10-13 01:39 am UTC (link)
	Cissy, You have no idea. Actually, I'm pretty certain I know everything. And it is not your fault. Okay? Do not beat yourself up over this. It was hot and cold together. That's the best I can think of that describes it. Ric (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Email

cissysaidso
2009-10-13 01:50 am UTC (link)

Ric,

About how weird it is? I'm pretty sure I do.

Fine. I won't blame myself. But what do I do now? How do I fix things? I don't... I can't just live for me but I can't just live for the baby either and I have no idea where to go from here. I'm not obligated to anyone, right? So I should be able to just... live my life?

That makes sense, I suppose, considering what I am. Must be why Xander likes me so much. Unique, I guess.

Cissy

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Email

shy_vamp
2009-10-13 02:06 am UTC (link)

Cissy,

You're right, I'm sure you do. Frankly I would have rather forgotten my old self and be forced to remember again then have to relive it. You cannot even imagine how disgusted I am with myself.

There is nothing to fix, so you don't have to think about it. Nothing has changed since before this mess happened. You're exactly where you were. Therefore, you should be able to continue with whatever plan you had before. Not that you had a particularly detailed plan before, but you could continue with it anyway.

Ric

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Email

cissysaidso
2009-10-13 02:14 am UTC (link)

Ric,

But something has changed. I've changed. And I don't know how to explain how or even why what happened would really make that happen but... I guess losing what I had lost and then getting it back made me sort of re-evaluate things. I can't live completely by emotion alone, which I have done for so long, but I can't dictate my life through logic either, which is what I've been trying to do in order to change and... I guess I'm just trying to figure out where that leaves me, how to strike that balance.

Cissy

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Email shy_vamp 2009-10-13 02:24 am UTC (link)
	Cissy, I wish you more luck then I've had trying to find that balance. Perhaps the best way to go about this is to make a list of what you want, then one of what you need, and see what overlaps. Ric (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Email

cissysaidso
2009-10-13 02:38 am UTC (link)

Ric,

What I need, I have. I have a place to live and friends that care for me and... there's nothing that my son or daughter will ever want for because there are so many people, not just Jonah, who will do everything they can to see to that.

What I want is to be a good mother, but what does that mean? It shouldn't mean and doesn't mean that I can't have other things that I want, things that make me happy, right?

This isn't making much sense, is it? I guess things were just... different when I thought that he hated me, and now that I know that he doesn't, things have changed.

I just wish I could take break from complicated for a while.

Cissy

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Email

shy_vamp
2009-10-14 02:16 pm UTC (link)

Cissy,

Being a mother does not mean you have to become Jesus. I suppose that right up until my turning, Delilah was a decent enough mother. She provided me with a support system and did all she could to make sure I received the best care and wanted for nothing. Those seem like basic staples of a good childhood. In the end, Cis, all you can do is your best. And your child will resent you for it anyway. That does not mean you were not a good mother, though.

Nothing has changed. If he has always felt this way then knowing it changes nothing. He is still seventeen, you are still pregnant with a child that is not his, and you still hurt him. The only thing that changes is another layer of guilt.

Ric

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Email cissysaidso 2009-10-15 06:29 pm UTC (link)
	Ric, Sometimes I really hate you. Every time I try to get all.. I dunno the word for it, you totally bring me back to reality, which is good, but I can't say that I don't resent the hell out of you for that sometimes. Cissy (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Email shy_vamp 2009-10-15 11:27 pm UTC (link)
	Cissy, You mean those times when you try to kid yourself into thinking that things are not as bad as they seem, when in reality they are worse? I know I'm a killjoy, but think of all the good decisions you've made lately. Don't ruin that for something as trivial as personal happiness. Love, Alpha (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Email cissysaidso 2009-10-16 07:11 am UTC (link)
	Ric, I just don't want to be unhappy anymore. Is there really something so terribly wrong with that? Sometimes I wish life was like a video game and you could just push the restart button when things go bad. It almost makes me wish that this had never been undone. Love, Beta (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Email

shy_vamp
2009-10-16 11:54 am UTC (link)

Cissy,

Everyone wishes that. Unfortunately in the very apt words of a miss Anna Nalick, "Life's like an hourglass glued to the table". Sometimes it is easy to forget. Sometimes it is necessary. I don't believe this is the case for you. If you go back to who you were, you'll be the same scared, lost little girl you once where. Look at how strong you've become, how much you've changed. You've come a long way.

Besides, I don't wish to go back, and it'll be very awkward when I show up at your door and you have no idea who I am.

Ric

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Email

cissysaidso
2009-10-16 06:18 pm UTC (link)

Ric,

That has nothing to do with being unhappy. I mean, I guess, sort of. I wouldn't be happy going back to who I was before either but... Jonah doesn't want this baby. Not really. To him, she's just another thing to have to deal with, but he doesn't want another child, not like this and not with me. And I hate it. And there's nothing I can do to change it.

It's a girl, by the way. I went to get checked out after, well, after you bit me, just to be safe, and they did an ultrasound and asked me if I wanted to know and I didn't remember that we were going to wait so I said yes. I haven't told him. Or anyone, actually. Just you.

Cissy

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Email

shy_vamp
2009-10-17 02:21 am UTC (link)

Cissy,

I wish I could fix this for you. You know how much I hate not being able to fix things for you. I suppose all you can do is wait it out, see where it takes you. Maybe when the baby is actually here, things will become easier because there will be a tangible thing to connect through.

I will continue to call her Bump. But I'm pleased I got to be the first to know.

Love,
Ric

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Email cissysaidso 2009-10-17 07:14 am UTC (link)
	Ric, I wish you could fix it too. And I really wish I could go at least one day without crying. He didn't even agree to go with me to tell my dad without me having to ask more than once. And I shouldn't have to talk him into that. Am I wrong to think that I shouldn't have to? I think that nickname's probably going to stick even after she's born. Cissy (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Email shy_vamp 2009-10-19 02:50 am UTC (link)
	Cissy, No, I think that if he wants to be supportive and a part of this child's life, telling your parents is something he should want to do. That isn't asking too much. Love, Your one and only (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Email cissysaidso 2009-10-19 06:22 am UTC (link)
	Ric, I wish you were my one and only. Things would be much less complicated then. Or maybe they'd be more complicated but just in another way. I almost wish I hadn't even asked him to go. I should have asked you to go instead. Yours, For Life or Longer (Reply to this) (Parent)

	Email hearitbleed 2009-10-15 06:24 pm UTC (link)
	No. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: Email cissysaidso 2009-10-16 07:08 am UTC (link)
	Me neither. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	Replied Friday simon_curtis 2009-10-16 01:36 pm UTC (link)
	Cissy, I remember. And I made a mistake in sending you that email. I made a lot of mistakes. Can we just go back to how things were before? I'm sorry. Simon (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: Replied Friday cissysaidso 2009-10-16 05:54 pm UTC (link)
	Simon, I'm glad you emailed me back. I thought you were ignoring me again. We all make mistakes. And go back to what? Saying "how things were before" is a little vague. Things have been a lot of different ways before now. Cissy (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Replied Friday simon_curtis 2009-10-17 02:42 am UTC (link)
	Cissy, Go back to when we weren't talking to each other. I can't do this. I can't talk to you when I just want to be over you. It was a mistake to email you because even if everything worked like how I wanted it to, telling you those things could only hurt you. I was stupid and I'm sorry. Simon (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Replied Friday

cissysaidso
2009-10-17 07:05 am UTC (link)

Simon,

I don't know if I can do that or not. I miss you. It's impossible not to. And I know it's entirely selfish of me to say that, but I am selfish, and there's really not much point in pretending that I'm not. I always have been and maybe I always will be. It seems like no matter how much I change, that part never really does.

And yes, it hurts, but I deserve it, so don't apologize. Or do, if you want to, I forgive you. I've been the stupid one ever since we met. It's kind of nice to not be the one that gets to forgive instead of the one that has to ask to be forgiven.

Cissy

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Replied Friday simon_curtis 2009-10-17 01:02 pm UTC (link)
	Cissy, I'm not giving you the choice. Two weeks is all I'm asking. I'm embarassed and so angry with myself over something very stupid I did and while I can't tell you exactly what happened, you should be furious with me. January 16th. Give me until then. Simon (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Replied Friday cissysaidso 2009-10-19 06:20 am UTC (link)
	Simon, Why can't you tell me exactly what happened? You mean February 16th? What's so important about that date? Cissy (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Replied Friday simon_curtis 2009-10-19 12:54 pm UTC (link)
	Cissy, Because I can't. I just need space, I need time. I don't know if I can ever be friends with you, but I know that right now I can't do it. Don't push like you always do, don't say yes then change your mind two days from now and try to talk to me. Please, you owe me at least this much. Simon (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Replied Friday cissysaidso 2009-10-19 04:28 pm UTC (link)
	Simon, And don't you owe me at least an explanation? Cissy (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Replied Friday simon_curtis 2009-10-19 08:13 pm UTC (link)
	No. I don't owe you anything. (Reply to this) (Parent)